Glitchy

Staying focused is the problem, the list of things to do grows, the recognition of the change that needs to happen is not in question.  It is only the drive forward that is intermittent and glitchy.

Also: Is there only 20 years, say, of this?  Of days and weeks and months stretching out where I must find the events to fill up the time instead of having time to contain the events?

It is the self direction that I must create.  Where once, and what I rebelled agains, there were other people and events that directed my time, now it is only me.  Only me that must take the rudder, rowing forward on this endless sea.  There is no body that will tell me what is right, what must be done, what is a waste of time.  

When I think of this time, the one that stretches out in front of me, my head swims, I lose some hope.  I must remember the excitement and forget the loss of security.